Bollywood Bitchslap!

After the Sabbatical

2007-10-13T18:12:00.000+05:30

Yes, it's been a long, long time... And my apologies for not writing for so long... What has kept me away? WORK!!! I'm not joking. I've now been moved to a different section at work, where I cannot log in and faff because I sit too close to my bosses. Bummer! I'm now officially slave labour.

And no, I haven't run off and gotten engaged/eloped/checked into rehab.... worry not!!

But gosh so much seems to have happened since I last managed to write... India won the 2020 Wolrd Cup, Kareena and Shahid seem to have broken up, Chak De stunned audiences, Amitabh celebrated another birthday, Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag bombed like we all expected it to, SHAHRUKH KHAN got a SIX PACK FOR OM SHANTI OM....

Pumped Up and Pimped Out

Hats off and a deep bow to the man for being able to pull this off at 40-plus, but ladies, does this really turn you on??? He looks like a C-grade Village Person impersonator.

I was still coming to terms with Shahrukh's newfound nakedness when I flipped channels one day and saw with shock and horror Shekhar Suman....

Now he really looks like a wax statue of himself.

I don't know about you, but it's a little too porno-graphique for my liking, both of you. Shudder.

Some things don't change, however. Like Malaika Arora-Khana and her pallu. She's at the CHIP fundraiser, looking quite elegant in an emerald-green saree, hair done up in an impeccable bun, and playing peek-a-boobie once again.

And again...

And again....

till she finally got tired and decided to show off her back instead....

What Malaika is secretly thinking is: "It's so nice to have my not having my annoying sister sitting on my back like a monkey!!!!"

There was some more fugliness on display at a recent breats cancer awareness fundraiser.

Neha Dhupia proved that was actually something more disastrous than her career: her outfit!!

The peep-toed shoes I like, but the rest of that just looks like the trimmings off an antique lamp-shade.

Suchitra Krishnamoorthy hasn't released an album in years. She hasn't been on the silver screen since her two-bit role "In My Wife's Murder" in 2005. I hear it's because she is focussing on her painting these days. Which is fine by me... but why wear a canvas you unleashed your anger on to a fundraiser??

And if she wasn't bad enough, Suchitra Pillai came wearing a smock.

Well people, I promise I'll write back real real soon. Before my boss peeks over my shoulder....

bye-bye!

Fug not and stay hot.

Muah

Apne Premiere

2007-07-04T13:14:00.000+05:30

The Deols sure did outshine Himesh with the premiere of Apne, but there were still a couple of fugs that couldn't be missed.

This strange stitching along the seams thing is getting big in Bollywood. Zayed did it with his jeans, and now Ritesh with his jacket. Nuh-uh.

Jaya aunty, that is indeed a lovely saree but that purse would better be seen on a Bandra teenybopper's arm. Or, Preity Zinta's!!!

Shamita Shetty was looking quite nice in a white dress. I'm glad she finally wore something that suited her body type. Takes away from the short length of her torso and her bustiness.

Kareena Kapoor looked chic and glam in her simple jeans and top ensemble. One thing many pancaked-Bollywood ladies can learn from her: Kareena really does practise the less-is-more trend when it comes to makeup, and always looks fresh and classy. Props, Bebo!

I looked at Kangna and thought wow!! She's finally wearing something sophisticated and smart and non-toddler...

And then you look again and realize it's just the same tired OshKosh B'Gosh romper outfit. Toddler Kangna was chaperoned by Granny Zinta who has apparently broken her back and is therefore wearing a back brace. Get well soon, Granny!

Aryan Vaid, yes, we all notice that you are in possesssion of a D&G jacket. Thanks for draping it over your arm, so we could all get a better look at the tag and confirm if it really was original.

If there's anything more pitiable than ageing and out-of-work female models, it's ageing and out of work male models.

The newsroom has been absolutely insane today, and I nearly got into an ideological war with my colleagues over the company's hiring policy. Why must we, the faster, more efficient workers have to work twice as much because of the incompetence of some lesser mortals?

I kid you not. A 24 year old grown woman walked into office, sat at the sandwich bar for an HOUR and walked into the newsroom late because she "had been crying and didn't want anyone in the newsroom to notice."

I looked at her and said, honey, this is a newsroom. You have to report on time for your shift so that the previous shift can leave. You could be bleeding to death at your desk and no one would care... Which of course, made her start crying again!!!

Which meant that I got fucked in the end for making her cry, coz I had to stay back and help the teary-eyed dumbfuck (who was now truly not in working condition) edit a story.

Moral of the story: Dumbfucks will be dumbfucks, and if you're smart, too bad,you'll just hafta take on more! It's no wonder that people in this profession are highy susceptible to coronary disease.

Before my BP goes any higher,

Fug not and stay hot.

Muah.

New Cause, Same Ho

2007-07-04T10:55:00.000+05:30

Greetings, fellow Earthlings. It is I, Frosty the Snow Bitch!!!!! Look at me! I live in a land of ice and snow, yet my skin appears to have the irridiscent glimmer of a native Hawaiian. No, its is not too much bronzer, whatever made you think that?

Look at my wonderful talents. See, I can act like a bird...!! Surely, I give Mallika Sarabhai and Chitra Vishweshan a run for their money...

I can also do the coquettish Princess Diana head tilt... giggle, giggle!

MALAIKA... stop looking for Feather-brained causes to support. After seeing you dressed up as a slut-bird, most of our feathered friends would probably want to fly into walls and ceiling fans.

So, return that dress to K-Mart, take that disgusting headgear off, and go back to doing your goddamn item numbers. It's such a pity when talentless people try soooooo hard.

Sigh. It's been a taxing day in the newsroom and I really think my nerves are splitting at their ends.

Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

The Real Fug Story!!!

2007-07-03T10:04:00.000+05:30

Himesh Reshammiya is like a cockroach. You hate him so, so much, you wanna squash him with your foot till the white goo comes out. At the same time, you just can't ignore him.

Ancient proverb: He who has no confidence in himself hides beneath a cover.

HimeshSpeak: I'm ugly and I have no personality so I wear a cap ALL THE FRIKKIN TIME. Oh yeah and I have yukky hair too.

The man clearly has a congenital defect. Look what he's wearing...

Himesh, a jacket over ANOTHER jacket was never a fashion statement. And that exposed upperchest is really givin me the heebie-jeebies. Ewww. I swear I can see razor-induced ingrowths.

I sincerely believe the mans needs clinical help if he actually thinks he looks good in this get-up. HIMESH YOU ARE UGLY, deal with it.

White Italian Cafe

2007-06-25T05:50:00.000+05:30

Another restaurant launch. Another dressy affair. Here's what they wore.

After Isha Koppikar's Christmas tree gown in Aaj Ki Raat, celebs have actually taken to this shapeless, fluffy monstrosity.

Why you would want to wear a plumy sack is beyond me...
Here is Achala Sachdev...

Look at it this way: when she gets sick of the dress, she can make a nice antique parasol out of it!!

Tanaaz Currim now works and campaigns for the Shiv Sena. Well, what else can explain the screaming orange/saffron?

Someone who I thought was turned out simple and casual was Archana Puran Singh. Jeans and tee and not desperate to fight the age!

Anupama Verma lost her way to the gypsy carnival. What could've turned out to be quite a nice ensemble just ended up TACKY. That honestly looks likes an export reject off Janpath.

Shayan and Piya... As I've said before, I am a big supporter of the celebrity dress-down. It's nice to keep things casual every now and then. But casual DOES NOT mean scruffy... and remember it, like you would a mathematical formula... CASUAL does not equal SCRUFFY...

Uff. You two look like you need a bath!!

Someone who disappointed me considerably was Rajit Kapoor. I have always admired him as an actor and didn't think he was capable of any massive fugs. But... umm... I thought he was a serious actor, not an O Re Kaanchi extra from the movie Ashoka.

Fashion-wise, nothing noticably (in a nice way) white, or Italian about the White Italian cafe launch. Drab. Just hope the food's better.

It's Monday morning and i'm staring at the face of a long dreary week ahead.
I'm heading for a greasy breakfast in our shady cafeteria. (Which in all probability will be toast soaked in that awful butter substitute or paranthas which are have unintended live active culture in them.)
I sincerely hope the rest of you have had a better, more edible brekky!!

Oh, and in case any of you're interested... Jimmy Choo stores will be launching in Mumbai... real soon!! My toes are positively tingling with anticipation...

Have a great week ahead.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Welcome Back Aqeel!!

2007-06-23T05:11:00.000+05:30

Look who's back, it's DJ Aqeel!!! Oh don't you just wanna squeal....

I'm a little hopped up on caffeine, been chugging Coke and coffee since I came in for my night shift. Space shuttle Atlantis has landed safely, thank god for that, and the newsroom was going crazy, coz well... that's what we're employed to do.

DJ Aqeel's loving wife Farah Khan threw druggy hubby a welcome back party. What's the big deal? It's not like he's out of rehab or something... And why the media had to make such a big fuss, I don't know. Rich people do drugs? OMG!!! Is the Pope Catholic??

Here's an "awwww" picture... You know, one of those pics that a socialite would go awww at in a nasal coke-infested tone.

I was under the impression that this was a regular, non-theme party. Just a casual gathering of friends, welcoming an old friend back. But alas, I am mistaken!! Apparently, Farah and Anushka intended it to be a Flinstones theme party. Look! It's Wilma and Fred!!

I have nothing against animal-y prints, but it shouldn't leave you wondering whether such a species exists...

More cartoon action, this time for Ashish Chaudhry. I am honestly getting really sick and tired of these goddamn Superman tee shirts. Try something new for crying out loud!! And the Superman tee with a sport jacket? Ho-hum. Can we get more dal-roti than that?

Playing it too safe my friend.

VJ Sophia was there, as usual in clothes that were a size too small. She's another one of the OshKosh B'Gosh toddler dress brigade. And I do believe I have a lovely lacquered wooden Chinese jewellery box with that print!!

Also spotted: Zayed Khan.

Yes, Zayed, you should be begging for mercy in those weird highlighted-with-stitches jeans.
If you look at it long enough, it gives the luminescence of that weird bulbed body suit from Street Dancer.

The weather is lovely and I have my day off today so I think i'll head spa-side and Relax! Revive! Rejuvenate! (that's what the pacakage promises me. Let's see.)

Have a nice weekend!
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Fantastic 4 Premiere

2007-06-19T06:09:00.000+05:30

I've had a nice long lazy weekend and have had WAY too many caffeine shots since i'm working a night shift. I'm not excatly Miss Merry Sunshine this morning.

Will somebody tell Divya Palat that Wonder Woman isn't part of the Fantsatic Four? I dunno. I'm not too fond of ze white miniskirt. After a certian age it stops being cute. But hubby Aditya is well-turned out.

Jaaved Jaffrey was OTT to say the least. Halloween is a good 4 months away, Jaaved!!! And this is a movie premiere, not an amateur death metal gig.

Gauhar Khan is pinching her midsection for god-knows-what reason. I'm all for women's lib, but honey some things are just unladylike. And a little disgusting. Why would you even attempt something like that when you KNOW the sutterbugs will show no mercy?

And Shayan, Shayan, Shayan... no amount of facial hair will act as a cover against the criminal justice system!! The CBI will hunt you down for the Jessica case honey... and I'm sensing a vague onslaught of manorexia...

You may be able to sense from the tone, I AM VERY SLEEPY.
So I shall sign off right away.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

2007-06-15T14:18:00.000+05:30

Yay!! It's back to normal.

Oops!!

2007-06-15T14:15:00.000+05:30

Ok so there's a slight problem with my date format... the post below is actually dated Friday, June 15 and the time is 2:17 pm IST... dunno why it's dating things two days older!! Not-so-blog savvy me will get it fixed... Anyway have a great weekend!

Aaaaaye-Fa Part 2

2007-06-13T11:24:00.000+05:30

So the stars came out for a night of scintillating performances and dance sequences and I truly do hate these ugly fugly Bollywood Stage Show outfits,. They make Britney Spears' pink-crotch tie in her I'm A Slave For You video look classy.

Shilpa Shetty is the Ho' on Mission, especially since that goddamn Big Brother win. Sheesh. And I actually think the prosperity and undue attention has made her nose bloat back to it's original shape and size, pre-rhinoplasty.

Call me elitist, call me a snob, call me a complete aristocratic bitch. But class is something you either have or you don't. C'mon, people, we're talking about a woman who did an item song titled Main Aayi Hoon UP Bihar Lootne...!! Just because she got dissed by an illiterate ugly woman (read Jade Goody) and won some sidey show (read Big Brother) we're letting her wun wild like this?

Why does she try? This is certainly not what the Queen would commission for Prince William's Bachelor Party. Actaully, I could imagine it... instead of popping out of a cake, Shilpa could pop out of a giant gol-guppa!!!

Another person in Itemised clothes was Bipasha Basu. Remember the Flamneco dancer from Riverdance? Imagine her in drag and this is what you'll get!!

I realize that award shows are a time for stars to kick back, be in their element, show us their "other" side... but Boman Irani, must you reveal sooo much? Here he is, dressed as a Buckingham Palace Guard...

And here. he is a crazy Scotsman...

Hmmm... I think it's time we got a Straight eye for this Queer, Queer guy... what say?

Now, we all know that Madonna popularised Leprosy Jeans in her American Pie video. Leprosy Jeans in my opinion are hideous. Distressed, sandblasted, faded- I can handle all of that, but not jeans that look like they've got eczema. But again, Madonna herself is a walking talking ailment... what else do you say about a woman who switches accents, wears conical bras and kisses Britney Spears?

Saif Ali Khan is truly fighting disease and Stayin' Alive in his pair of Leprosy Jeans...

Saif, those jeans just make you look like a recovering coke addict.

But the man redeemed himself by showing up in some pretty neat formals with sister Soha Ali Khan, who's in a lovely white Manav Gangwani creation. Well played, siblings!!

Kangna has a great body and I know she thinks she's the babeeeee of the film industry.(Everytime I pick up a magazine she gets younger... from 19 to 18 to 16). But did she hafta wear a romper from OshKosh B'Gosh???!!!

Sometimes, Kangna, you can look sexy even without showing skin.

It's Friday!!! Thank god. Two days of peace and not having to deal with the news.
Have a great weekend and I'll be back soon....
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Aaaaaye- FA

2007-06-06T10:47:00.000+05:30

Ok so the past couple of days there's been a lotta brouhaha about our lovely Bollywood stars owning agricultural land. Basically, Amitabh Bachchan owns a lot (and I mean a LOT) of land in Uttar Pradesh. And he owns it because he claims he's a farmer. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Amitabh Bachchan says he's a FARMER. Yeah right. And Paris Hilton's a virgin.

So I have been forced to sit and script an edit a story of Mr Bachchan, who is obviously confused/sufferring from MPD/in a mid-life crisis/A PLAIN OLD GREEDY PIG and choke on my Banana-Banana smoothie (yeah they couldn't just call it a banana smoothie at my office juice bar) so hard it almost came out my nose. But for the record, my editor was kinda cute so what the hey.

Anyway, I hope the evil fairy of Bollywood turns him into a wax statue at Madame Toussads, because what he's doing is just NOT HOT.

IIFA is on, the stars are out, here's what I caught...

Ok so the newlyweds are kinda gettin on my nerves now.

As much as I like them in many different ways, it's time they lost the Cuteness Quotient. See CQ works well for teenyboppers and senior citizens. NOT FOR YOU. And Abhishek, the Sonic the Hedgehog flick with the Luke Skywalker jacket... i'm thinkin no.

And here's Ash with Bachchan Sr

Ash I like the jacket, but it's time to wipe away that Cat that Swallowed the Canary look... yes, we know you're the new Bachchan bahu, tho ab kya karna hai?

Salman Khan was also there, lookin a little heavy, methought!! See I am a big one for lycra, and I've always had fights when I'm buying jeans and trousers, coz when I pay more, I WANT MORE LYCRA. It's just that there's nothing worse than a pair of ill-fitting pants. But Salman could've done with an Ezee-Fit... ur loookin a little huffy-puffy honey!!

Katrina Kaif and Lara Dutta impressed, though... Well played, ladies, cool and classy!

You never can go too wrong with blacks and whites, you know?

Govinda wore a shirt I swear I saw in the Benetton Kids section when i was shopping for my neice... Floral patterns aren't easily pulled off. And especially when you're best known for wearing a purple shirt with red pants.

The IIFA Costume Party!!!!

So these celebs are slugging it out for the Coolest Costume Title.
We've got lovely ladies Lara Dutta and Bipasha Basu on one side....

Lara: "My Giant Lace Doily Outfit should really get the judges!!! Or wait, should I change it around in the Question Round and call it a table runner???"

Bipahsa: "She can stand and smile all she wants, but my 7-Tiered Sponge Cake Outfit is soooooo much yummier than that bedsheet Lara's got on!!! And I think my hair's set better too..."

But alas!! The Lovely Ladies were not hot enough for...

THE FONZ!!!!!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, Amitabh Bachchan put a spin on Arthur Fonzarelli, and decided to go Retroclassic meets HipHop with this lovely leather jacket and kinky Fubu pants.

What in fuck's name is the man WEARING????? Those are some strange fucking carpenter pants. Shudder. And what is with the gridlock button-fly? I have always given women a word of advice, that is, as you grow older, Tone Down, dont Tart Up.

For my male friends, the line is less poetic: DIVERT ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOUR CROTCH AT ALL TIMES for fux sake.

Mr. Bachchan, I think that there is something wrong with your metabolism that is making you dress like a 12 year old stuck in a time warp. So kindly, Cheeni Kum daal do... You know what they say a sugar rush can do to OLD PEOPLE. Farmer, my ass.

Well people, it's Saturday and I'm off to the mall... I bought a pair of purple sneakers which must be excanged because they gave me the wrong size. And since the temperature in Delhi is 44 degrees, and the AC at home is non-existent, I am trying to think of other airconditioned places to chill at till it's time to hit the sack. Sigh. Such is life.

The weekend is going to be a scorcher across North and Central India, so please, please keep yourself hydrated. I MEAN IT.
Till the morrow, then, goodbye.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

2007-06-04T18:11:00.001+05:30

I finally went and watched Shootout at Lokhandwala. And all I could think of was will somebody please, please, just SHOOT ME, ALREADY!!!!!!! Bad acting, sad editing, bad dialogues... It was just too much Tapori-ness for one to take! I swear, if I have to hear the word "apun" one more time, I will reach in, pull my intestines out and throw it at the scripwriter. So I sat, stuffing my face with popcorn which was too dry and tempering it with Pepsi which was too flat, and wondering, Lord-a-missy-Me, NEVER BELIEVE WHAT APURVA LAKHIA SAYS IN AN INTERVIEW. Ever.

He said that he had woven the Khalistan agitation, into the film ( a bunch of extras in turbans screaming and running around with guns a la Sunny Deol.)

He said that the film traced the history of the ATS ( so what I understood is that the ATS was "masterminded" by an inarticulate, trigger-happy cop with the presonality of a dashboard- played by Sanjay Dutt.)

He said that he had archival footage from the original shootout courtesy Newstrack and Minty Tejpal (about 3 seconds' worth.)

Vivek Oberoi I could kill. I was soooo lokking forward to him, for a Company-esque performance, but no. Lots of apuns, saalas, Mumbhaaaaais, and jeans tight enough to be illegal.

Tushaar Kapoor... Apurva Lakhia can say WHAT he wants about begging you to do the role, but let's face it honey, you're only here coz of your big sister Ekta!!! Loser.

Arbaaz Khan can't act, Suniel Shetty can't either, but he's at least perfected the art of saying "Abbey Saale,". Amitabh Bachchan and Sanjay Dutt were wasted in ninny roles. Aarti Chabbria's boobs were on display more than her face. Dia Mirza had precisely one line to say, holding up her card and screaming "Press!!!!" Neha Dhupia... huh? she was actually in
the movie???

Anyway, my friends dissed me continuously for dragging them out of bed on a Sunday morning to watch... well, crap.

I also manged to watch some other movies, namely Cheeni Kum (liked it!), Shrek 3 (loved it!) and Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (too long.) So these are the reasons I havent had the time to write. And overtime at work!!

Well, I've been noticing this new obssession with men in Bollywood and headgear...
Aftaab was sporting a cap...

He looks like a greasy fastfood boy. In fact, the fries/onion ring boy with the dorky cap, replete with blotches of (Water? Oil? God Knows What!) on a hand-me-down looking tee shirt. You are not mature enough wear SPidey in any form. except maybe at Halloween.

Well, Shaahid Kapoor showed up looking like your friendly neighbourhood CableGuy/Mechanic. Service with a smile. Shine on, pearly whites....

Dressing down is a tricky thing. Not everybody can keep it casual and pull it off easily. But Shaahid's better (?) half Kareena manages quite well... without any headgear!!

Attack of the Cancer Patient...

I don't know what Ashmit Patel is trying to pull, but this weird skull cap thingie is not hot. He is visbally embarrassed to be seen in it... Just look at the guy!! Have u seen anyone look more like he has a broom shoved up his ass?

Also spotted Rajeev and Rakesh Paul at the Pirates of the Caribbean Premiere... They look like a bunch of crack-ed out Gymming Donnas. Kajol from Kuch Kuch Hota hai would've had a field day with that hair. And that tee shirt is just OBNOXIOUS. Even Stiffler from American Pie would think twice before wearing it. Innuendos aside, shakal dekha hai tera???

And Vivek Oberoi....

Ok I know he's not wearing anything on his head, BUT CONSIDERING THAT BEATLEWIGGY, SCRAGGLY MOP maybe you should. Ok so you're actually well turned out, and I'm dissing you more because of torturing me through Shootout at Lokhandwala than the fug. Sigh. Why, Vivek, why? You can be soooo much more...

The newsroom is a little crazy today because election results are coming out of Goa. (yes people, they do have a government, there is more to Goa than sunsandsexdrugsrockandroll)

I am upset. My brother and sister are off to the US for a month and a half, watching the Formula 1 race at Indianapolis, chilling in San Diego, eating REAL Big Macs, shoppingshoppingshopping.... Well, it's more the fact that I miss them!

I have also been upset at the lack of kurtas and kurtis for small people. And I am carrying out a personal vendetta of sorts against shops which have supersized garments in their small section and think that Extra Smalls are inconsequential.

One day, a small person will make it big. And then XS will no longer be inconsequential. Hell, people thought big butts were inconsequential until J Lo became a star.

It's lunchtime.
Ta-ta.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Shootout At Lokhandwala Premiere

2007-05-26T08:57:00.000+05:30

This is a movie I'm looking forward to. Really. I'm sick of sugary romances, NASCAR drivers becoming taxi drivers, and offbeat commercial hindi cinema. Bring on the badguys, bring on the guns!!!

Amrita Arora was as usual tagging behind her better looking sister Malaika, and she wore a bib and seemed to have forgotten the lower half of her ensemble...

If you're not Gwen Stefani or an Olsen Twin, such outfits DO NOT look cute, on anyone post 12.

Aarti Chhabria came dressed as Madhuri Dixit from Dil To Pagal Hai.

A little too much like a Saroj Khan backup dancer for my liking.

Dia Mirza is really getting that vacuous expression spot-on. And WHAT is with this Umrao Jaan inspired monstrosity? It looks like my grandma's old Kanjeevaram sarees torn up and patched together.

Well, Dia wasn't alone, coz Lara Dutta was also on an Umrao Jaan trip! Which is probably why they found each other for a photo-op... it's like they're telling the media, "But seriously, this is the look of the season! The rest of the (normal) world just doesn't know yet..."

Another former Miss India, Celina Jaitley, was also present. After trying to save the elephants in black lycra shorts, she came wearing more black. I quite like the outfit. Something sophisticated for a change. The skin is still freeze-dried, the gaze still stoned, but she's cleaned up quite a bit.

I don't know about you, but I think that is just WAY too much denim for one human being. I don't like denim and denim. It disturbs me.

Ekta Kapoor was also there...

And she wonders why people call her the Dragon Lady.

Over to the men now... Vivek Oberoi... grrroooannn... get rid of that Beatlewig already!

Saif Ali Khan looks a little neither-here-nor-there... but I like the casual look.

Shakti Kapoor wore a shirt he probably picked up from the bylanes of Paharganj. The epitome of a Dirty Old man.

Zayed Khan, who is usually quite a good dresser, seems to have gotten confused. I swear, I picked up a top just like that with shorter sleeves from Mango last season. And I think I've seen Dr Meredith Grey wear something like that at least a dozen times on Grey's Anatomy. Zayed, I think you're wearing a girly top!!

It's a lazy Saturday at work and I'm looking forward to the weekend. Have a good one.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Sightings...

2007-05-25T17:10:00.000+05:30

Sudhanshu Pandey was spotted at the launch of the Golden Leaf restaurant in Mumbai. He decided to some dressed as Aunt Jemima. I can even the beginnings of a very tiny puff sleeve! Look!

An Indian man trying a Hillbilly Look is not so hot. And seriously men... Abhishek Bachchan can get away with it, but get over the headbands.

Yana Gupta unveiled a new all-in-one fitness system called the VibroGym. Why anyone would wanted to be associated with a product called Vibrogym beats me, but then a Czech woman who likes to sit atop buffaloes and lip-sync to "Babujee Zara Dheere Chalo" is obviously not too heavy on the grey cells... if you know what I mean. Here she goes!!

The product itself looks like an extra prop from the sets of Lost In Space. And frankly, so does she.

Minissha Lamba was at a video shoot for Anamika. I know emerald is in this season, honey, but that just looks like Posion Ivy from Batman gone awry.

Celina Jaitley shot with PETA for a Save-the-Elephants campaign. Saving the pachyderms has made her pack on quite a bit herself. I suspect cellulite comig on. And day by day she is getting to look more and more like She-Ra.

WHAT is she wearing??? Does she really think that wearing tight black lycra shorts with a tight ugly ill-fitting tee shirt is going to help the elephants? And WHAT is with that string of beads across her crotch? It's bad enought that the hot pants are sooooooooooo tight, u begin to wonder if she's a transvestite, and she goes and wears beads around her crotch to attract more attention to the area. SHE should be left in the wild, far far far away from humanity, and hopefully the elephants won't trample over her for her fugliness.

The newsroom is really giving me reason to hurl today. Why must I be forced to sit on my behind and stare at a computer screen when there is NO news happening? And why do our reporters in the Mumbai bureau think that it is my divine duty to dig up soundbytes, file footage from the video archives for THEIR stories? Gyp work I will do, it is my job, but long distance gyp work is a bit much! Hmmph.

I think I am cranky after my holiday. Sigh. Such is life.
Anyway, till next post, fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

No Life in a Metro!!!

2007-05-14T22:01:00.000+05:30

So Life in A Metro premiered last Friday, I didn't watch it coz guess what? I've got no life! Yes ladies and gentlemen, Paul Oakenfold came and went, so did Strawberry daiquiris, invitations to parties, but Emily, over the weekend, did what she does best: She watched Prison Break and Heroes and slept!!! But she had the company of her brother and sister and the pet dog Buggy, so it turns out there were 3 losers in The Capital on Friday and Saturday night. But family is family, and as far as Emily is concerned, time spent with family is time well spent.

Anyway, Kangna looked nice at the premiere, but I would love to see her in something other than a dress...

Konkona Sen and Shilpa Shetty looked gorgeous. Well played, ladies...

And as for Shiney Ahuja... the only thing that's not hot about him is his name, methinks! Can't go wrong with black...

Sanjay Suri, though, kept it casual...which was perfectly fine...but hon, ur lookin a lee-tle heavy... Watch that makkhan...

Someone who pleasantly surprised me was Bhagyasree... the top isn't my favourite, since it can't decide whether it wants to be a halter or a spaghetti strap, but she looks quite well put-together, doesn't she? A nice change from her usual ethnic look.
But someone who disapppointed me was Aditi Govitrikar. The woman is gorgeous, and sophisticated, but OH MY GOD are those grey stonewashed jeans??? And dog-tags????

The look went out with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and that's soooooo long ago even Will Smith doesn't remember.

And her royal Puffiness Preeti Jhangiani really needs to stop wearing these trashy, remix music-video inspired outfits and face the facts: Her face is bloated.Her features are not well-defined. And she looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid after some Nip/Tuck. You know when something's soooo disagreeable, you just gotta look at it again? That's Jhangiani. Just like those damn Cabbage Patch Dolls.....
Ok I've been extremely busy the past two weeks... Haven't really been able to write much!
My producers have gone for a primetime makeover, so that basically means, double the airtime, double the work, double the egos, double the bullshit. So primetime has officially become one screechy hellhole...
Elections and their results can really suck the creative juices out of a person, I tell you! There's just been too much politcs in my system...

Anyway, I'm going on vacation for a few days, so I thought I'd drop in line before that. Emily is not finished, no way, but she's just gonna take a bit of a sabbatical. Recharge them batteries. But Emily will be back... soon!
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Calcium Mommy

2007-04-28T20:27:00.000+05:30

It's been more than a week, I know... but I've been working a night shift (i'm part of the wonderful 24 hour rolling newsheel afterall) and I feel like a wretched BPO gyp. But the good part is I get lotsa free cappuccino (yes our office has a coffee machine that uses REAL BEANS and REAL MILK! None of that freeze dried shit...)

Speaking of milk, Malaika Arora-Khan is now endorsing CALCIUM TABLETS. For kids. And young mommies.

WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO??? CALCIUM TABLETS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY NOW? WHATEVER HAPPENNED TO USING TOOTHLESS TODDLERS TO SELL KIDDIES PRODUCTS?

And I'm a little skeptical about the satin and linen combination. Clingy meets breezy. And again, this is a children's product.

For crying out loud Malaika these are CALCIUM TABLETS not BREAST ENHANCEMENT PILLS. Stand straight would ya???

I'm veryvery sleepy and have a throat infection so I hafta take my medication now. Will write in more frequently once my nocturnal spell is over.

Fug not and stay hot.

Muah.

Oh No!!! It's Mimoh!!!

2007-04-17T23:19:00.000+05:30

In the dark labyrinths of Bollywood, lurk some very dangerous creatures... they can cause immenese amounts of pain, they can scare you, they will hound you, pop up EVERYWHERE... on magazine covers, on the small screen, in adfilms, on news channels, at parties and page 3 events, till you are pleading with them to STOP!!!!

They are Star Children. By virtue of the fact that their moms and dads slept and punched their way into the industry, and because their parents think they are the most adorable things on earth, we are forced to endure them and watch their trash. Now we've seen the Bobbys and the Fardeens and the Hrithiks and the Eshas and the Riteishs, we've hurled at their initial offerrings, (except yours Hrithik, but you managed to make us hurl with your effeminate dancing in some of your later releases) and now we are able to digest you.

There is another brat on the block, and he happens to be the son of a very very very talented actor. It's Mithunda's son Mimoh. First of all you name him Mimoh. Last time I checked Mimo(h) was short for Mimosa Pudica, biological name for what we normally call a Touch-Me-Not, a plant and creeper. And the kid's creepy lookin', yo!!!

Here's Mimoh at the music launch of his debut film Jimmy.

Really Mithun, after your fantastic performance in Mani Ratnam's Guru, I forgave all those trashy B-grade flicks shot in Ooty. But then you unleash this... Omigosh what is he???

He looks kinda like Donald Trump, Jr... hai na?

Well, they've got a thing or two in common...
Both of them are standing with women who look utterly disinterested in being with them. (In Trump's case it's his own sister!!)
Both have illustrious fathers who somewhere along the line LOST THE PLOT completely and became media sluts.
Both need to invest in some hair products!!!

And when we thought we'd reached our hurl-quotient for the day, he poses SOLO!!!!

Are those actually embroidered jeans?? What next? Knots, pots and macramé??
And that pendant is just disgusting. I don't know if it's supposed to be some kind of good luck charm, but it looks like some kind of evil, evil eye. And silk paisley print lapels...
Maybe if you were Samuel L Jackson, honey!!
But it gives you a hustler sorta effect...
Pimpin' you is gonna be a bee-yatch.

After a very busy day in the newsroom, I bid thee goodnight, at midnight, IST.
And go get yourself some Croc shoes. They're great.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Kissy time

2007-04-16T23:14:00.000+05:30

Yes, it's been a while since the last post... sigh... I was very self-absorbed and was on a neurotic yo-yo trip... The same things we all go through, Omigosh! What if I end up alone?? What if I never meet The One?? Where will this job take me? Am I really happy? Etcetcetc.....

And then Saturday night arrives, you party, you down a couple of shooters and several vodkas, and you realize, fuck that shit, I'mYoungI'mFunI'mDesirable,
LifeIsGoooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, so I come into work today and the news of the hour is "Shilpa Shetty is kissed by Richard Gere!!!!"
Breaking news tags all over, protests by the saffron brigade across India, and every fat-assed anchor on Indian television pursing their brows and discussing it like it's nuclear-fucking-physics...
After much discussion and deliberation, and after several experts have expressed their opinion in our great wide beautiful wonderful democracy, the verdict is...

Indians by and large have a lot of spare time.
Many of my fellow Indians need to get more ass.
My bosses have little news sense.
Maybe they also need to get more ass.
Richard Gere is sheepish.
Shilpa Shetty is a more elevated media slut and ho.

Methinks everyone is just jealous coz Richard Gere never kissed them.

There were some Bollywood premieres over the weekend, and we caught up with some of the stars....

Kangana Ranaut forgot the way to the Venice Beach 80's Rule!!Jog-a-thon and landed up at the Premiere of Life Mein Kabhie Kabhie...

I'm all for the celebrity dress-down, but honey, you're better off walking into a gym like that.

And Nauheed, I love you, and you're bra matches your dress, but we still don't wanna see it.

We also saw the premiere of Bheja Fry, and with it, someone who we haven't seen in a while!! Maria Goretti... nice to have you back!! I quite like the tee...

Konkona Sen showed up looking ethnic and chic...

Neha Dhupia unfortunately took the term "bee-stung" to a whole new level and bee-stung her whole face.
I am in a rush to leave after a long day of bloody annoying breaking news.
So I'll keep it short.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Sanjaya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-05T12:50:00.000+05:30

Ok, so everyone is talking about him.... and I mean EVERYONE.

I love American idol and have been following it since Season 3, but never have I encountered such a talenteless sop get so, so far. I'm a big one for supporting the desi cause, you know, Way to go! All you NRI's who are making it big abroad, my props to M Night Shyamalan, Kal Penn, Parminder Nagra, Naveen Andrews, Sendhil Ramamurthy...

And when my best friend told me that there was a little Indian boy with crazy hair who had reached Hollywood in Season 6, I was like whooppeeee!! So maybe I do have a chance at AI. And of course I was dying to check the desi bhai who I'd vote for via friends in the US.

I saw the boy and thought, awww, how sweet, he loves his sister sooo much!! He looks like such a sweet little kid... skinny, awkward, but sweet all the same.

Then I heard him sing.....................

OH MY GODDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO, AMERICA???????????????????????

Now I'm a trained singer, I've been singing since I was a kid, and I can tell u straight off, the BOY CANNOT SING. I would've kicked him outta my choir in a week.
The boy cannot hold a note for more than 7 seconds
Every note is a semitone higher or lower than it should be
His voice is weaker and thinner than diluted horse-piss
He adds no inflections or variations when he sings
His sense of a beat is a little skewed
HIS VOICE HAS NOT EVEN CRACKED.
And he does too many Stevie Wonder songs.

Now I feel bad becasue he is a kid at the end of the day, and seems like a sweet kid, too. But Sanjaya, the hair, the hair....!
The fact that he looks like a glammed-up Mowgli can't be helped, but then does he HAFTA grin like he's just back form prison??

And WHAT in fuck's name (oops! I hope you're not gonna tell on me, Sanjaya... u know, for cussing n all!) was that god-awful PonyHawk??? Encino Man must be turning in his grave.

Sanjaya, Sanjaya... I admire the fact that you are able to take every bullet Simon throws at you....
And you remind me vaguely of my little brother which is why I can't even get myself to be mean...
And I know you must be facing a tough time with so many people dissing you...
And I know it's not the hottest thing to have crying kindergarteners as fans... (but that says a lot about you doesn't it?)
But cupcake, you CANNOT (and should not) SING.

Maybe you'd like to try medical school? Or law school? I know it may be conventionally Indian, but it's better than subjecting us to this pure torture.

And the gay mafia is looking for you, honey... do you really want to die before senior prom??

I have worked a double shift and am really at the end of my tether.
I am trying really hard to stay awake.
Too tired to type straight...
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Grasim Mr India: Shake your Boot-ay

2007-04-03T12:43:00.000+05:30

Kareena Kapoor decided to get herself up on stage and do some item-numbering. But did she really have to?

I don't have words to describe my disgust. That is positively revolting. I know that it's difficult to time your dance moves to shutterspeed so that you can avoid being photographed in such... umm... objectionable poses but there is a lot more to my disgust than the dance pose per se. Are those nails sticking out of your jeans? What were you trying to be? A glammed-up back up dancer from Michael Jackson's Thriller? Disco Barbie from Hell? Why would you wear something like this Kareena? Especially when I have been giving your sister Karisma so many, many props.... Surely your stylist didn't tell you to wear this? Oh... what's that you said?

The voices in your head told you wear this?? Ok, now I understand!!

We got some reactions form the crowd, too....

Rising random ramplet and starlet is thinking...

Bollywood's dark underbelly is murkier than I thought... gulp...

Anupam Kher is thinking...

The censor board looks a lot more appealing all of a sudden....

And arch-rival Priyanka Chopra is thinking...

Oooh, she looks like such a cow!!! Serves that skank ho' bitch right for dissing me on Karan Johar's show...!!!

I have an important lunch meeting so... (yeah right!)
My shift is up and I hafta meet my girlfriends for a late lunch!!
Laters.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Fashion Weak Part 2

2007-03-28T20:21:00.000+05:30

The Lakme Fashion Week kicked off in Mumbai with Vikram Phadnis showcasing his collection. After white being called the new black and grey being called the new black, we found out that black is back to being black. Phadnis had plenty of that on board!! And lotsa bling too. It looks like Zorro met Mila Jovovich from The Fifth Element and spawned these ramplets...

Sigh. Those are some pretty clothes Vikram, but black and silver is nothing new. Ho-hum. And those blacked-out upper faces are beginning to reek a lee-tle bit of S&M.

Some more sightings form Fashion Week... another case of too much bronzer with these ladies... There are wax statues at Madame Tussaud's with less shine on their face.

And this lady on the far left took the big-beads trend quite literally and went and made a harness for herself...

The white & gold combo looks nice, but not if it's reminiscent of the armour Lord Krishna wears in DD's megaserial Sri Krishna.

There is such a thing as being over embellished, you know. When your top begins to look like battle armour, pull the breaks on the embellishments ladies.

There has been WAY too much news breaking today... World Cup news, hostages in Manila, hospital negligence, new divorce laws, LTTE airtsrike follow-ups... WAY too much for my nerves to handle. And my crazy producer has been wailing like a banshee faking an orgasm since lunchtime. "What's the body count, where is the exclusive, cut this, cut that, drop this, skip that, get me an LTTE rebel plane...."

If only the LTTE would airstrike HER instead.
Anyways, frazzled and hungry, I'll sign off.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Fashion Weak

2007-03-24T18:43:00.000+05:30

The Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week kicked off in the capital... and there was no dearth of glitz and glimmer!

So Malini Ramani's collection was too gold....

And so was Aparna Chandra's....
If those don't throw the metal detectors at Heathrow into high decibel I dunno what will.

Manav Gangwani's collection on the other hand felt too old...

...and Raageshwari, who happens to be OLD herself, was just TOO bold! WHY in fuck's name would you even try pulling off a Shakira?? Especially when Mumbai is gearing up to see her LIVE and IN THE FLESH. Raags' performance was something that would've left even Mr Nasty Simon Cowell speechless. Coz it was SOOOOOOOOO BLOODY BAD. Some artists are best left untouched, Raags. Don't shake your thang if you've got no thang.

The lyrics of the song come to mind...
"I never really knew that she could dance like this...."

I'm guessing the organisers of WIFW didn't either, because had they known, they sure as hell wouldn't have let her go up on stage!!!
Peace everyone.
Have a great weekend.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Random sightings...

2007-03-22T10:39:00.000+05:30

Here's Kim Sharma at Rohit Roy's Shootout at Lokhandwala party.... Again, she looks confused about whether she's trying to pull off a Shakira or a Beyonce, and looks more like a reject from Puffy's Making the Band. I think it's the posture and the pout that's disturbing. It's a good thing girlfriends can't tag along for the World Cup. Forget Yuvraj, the whole squad is likley to get distracted by that... and I don't mean it in a good way.

Aftaab however gave up his bouncer/mafia clothes, and it's rather refreshing to see him dress down for change... the props are not for that baniyan in particular, but for opting for a more casual look.

Dia Mirza manages to turn up well dressed for the most part, and along with it, she's really getting that Rabbit-in-the-Headlights look perfect!!

There were some other random sightings, too.... Her's Mahima Chaudhury unveling a diamond encrusted cricket ball. Her eyes seem to be saying "Feed me Seymour... FEED ME!!!! FEED ME SOME OF THAT BLING!!!!"

And the woman is holding onto it like her sagging Bollywood career depended on it!! Check...

Really now... whoever thought of bringing together Bling, Bollywood and Cricket? The underworld must be having a field day.

There's been so much tension in the newsroom because of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer's death. Everyone's going crazy, a dozen conspiracy theories have been looked at, and the ticker has wiped from "Woolmer murdered" to "Woolmer dead" so many times, I'm surprised my poor ticker-desk collegues don't have triceps on their fingers from clicking that mouse so much. I just hope the media hasn't been jumping the gun, I hope we handle this isuue responsibly, and most of all, I hope the truth comes out and that Woolmer may rest in peace.
Oh, and may the best team win the World Cup =)

Goodbye.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Passion and Fashion

2007-03-21T13:08:00.000+05:30

Ayaan and Amaan Ali Bangash launched their new album Passion in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, the cutie-patooties were dressed pretty fine.

Bollywood was at this launch as well. Here's Karan Johar with Raveena Tandon. Raveena hasn't been on the silver screen in a while now, but I think it's high time you shed some of that baby weight. Sorry, but no amount of black will help flatter any portion of your figure. And i'm saying portion for a reason.

However, she still looks as pretty as ever, and she is postively glowing, so props to motherhood!

So what if Shweta Salve didn't win Jhalak Dikhlaja? She looks great!

And I don't know what to dub this purple disaster except a that it looks like a toga gone HORRIBLY WRONG.

The exhaustion has expanded to include a sore throat and the sniffles... so I'm off.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Of Horsiness and Fugliness

2007-03-21T07:14:00.001+05:30

Turf clubs and horses have been in the news a lot lately... Hasan Ali, who's been exposed by the Indian Income Tax Dept for unaccounted wealth amounting Rs. 35,000 crores, happened to be a regular in the Pune racing circuit...

C'mon people, if YOU had 35,000 crore rupees, why in fuck's name would you stick around in Pune?? I mean, it's a great city and all, and I love the German bakery, but really... your just asking for trouble if u don't up and leave. And if ur playing fraud, u might as well go abroad, coz our government sure as hell won't be able to extradite you!! Look at Quatrocchi....

That's what I'd do If I had 35,000 crores... I'd buy an island off the coast of France or Mozambique (i'm sure there must be uninhabited landmasses there) and chillaaaxxx.

Anyway, Bollywood was present at the Man's World Polo Event.

So I look at Tara Sharma and think, hmmm... white's a good colour, and the upper part of that outfit is nicely cut, the glares are nice, but what's with that motif on the sleeve?
And then I had a closer look and realized.... Yes! Tara Sharma is indeed dressed as the Queen of Spades in some twisted Alice in Wonderland remake. Here she is posing with her minions...

Looks like all the residents of Taraland have a thing for weird motifs cut and sewn onto their clothes. And I dunno if that's an outfit I'd want to wear to a polo event, Tara. It's very Indipop music-video. In fact, I haven't seen an outfit like that since Shweta Shetty's in Oorja and Johnny Joker.... and that dates back to a time when I was still in training bras!!

Karisma Kapoor is seen here in animated conversation with hubby Sanjay. I really dunno what they have to talk about except for his receding hairline, but they certainly are a well dressed couple. Light blues and whites always work well in natural light. But I do belive Ms Kapoor looks better solo! Check...

She does the classic white & denim combo proud. U go girl! and I'm not just saying it because I detest your bovine sister.

Another missus who was quite dapper was Neeta Ambani... I've always liked the elder Amabani bahu better, mainly because she dresses her age. Remember ladies, like I've said before... when u cross that age, tone down, do not tart up! The light pink saree was very simpy worn with some classic pearls. And the glares go well, too.

But there was no avoiding the fuglies....

I'll begin with the semi-fugly, Parmeswar Godrej.

I Like the top and the fact that she's wearing white, nice watch too... But that cap makes her look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Don't it? The collagened lips and lifted face aside, those shades are just too big. You like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

And Upen Patel... he is increasingly becoming the epitome of male fugliness in India. I always say NEVER do denim and denim... it's just DISTURBING. Denim and denim was better left to Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise, and he got away with it only because he is Brad Pitt. But Upen, that is just ewwwwwwww....

And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, the man decides to pose full-length!! Omigosh! Are those really white high-tops???

If a Beastie Boy and Dolly Parton had a child, it would be thou... a Redneck with no neck!!

I am sufferring from some kind of mild exhasution, too much shopping and partying and late nights when my friends were in town. Yawwwn. I'm signing off for the day.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Nisha Jamwal Fashion Preview

2007-03-13T11:00:00.000+05:30

Ayesha Takia has HUGE BOOBS. Let's not kid ourselves. While Celina Jaitley's problem is that her boobs start below her ribcage, Ayesha's boobs start even before her larynx. So anyway, the best way to play down big boobs is to wear v-necks or something that exposes the collarbone to take the attention away from the boobs. This really aint helping!!

She looks like a pre-pubescent, overdeveloped Wednesday Adams. Maybe you should go under the knife.

Kim Sharma couldn't decide whther she wanted to cop Shakira's hairdo or Beyonce's, so she got the Shakira Curls and the Beyonce Fringe. And some damn ugly shoes. And Nisha Jamwal's Kajol-in-DDLJ inspired outfit... ho-hum.

And it's Indipop's tribute to the Pussycat Dolls: the Pappe-Cat Dolls!!!

There's too much fugliness in that frame for one pair of eyes to take.

My eyes can barely stay open.
Lack of sleep and excess shopping do not a good combo make.
Have a productive week ahead.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Kingfisher First polo tournament

2007-03-13T09:14:00.000+05:30

I'm running a temperature, my eyes are puffy, my voice sounds like I've smoked a thousand cigarettes, and my new jooties got soiled in the rain. Sigh. I hate winter rain. And just when Delhi was getting warmer!! See, that's one thing I dislike about Delhil: It screws you over weather wise. just when you think it's ok to step out in a jeans and tee, it HAS to pour. Which is why I'm so jealous of these celebs soaking up the rays in sunny Bombay.

It's the Kingfisher First Polo Tournament!!! And Big Daddy of the Blue Skies Vijay Mallya
was of course there! Here he is, getting cosy with Shilpa Shetty...

And cosier...

And cosier...

And even cosier...

Uff. Santa Claus with his Santa Slut. Yana Gupta, your days are numbered honey. I give it three months before Shilpa grabs the campaign. Which in a way is a good thing, we won't have to hear you struggling to say "Doomrapan maanaa haaye..." on those stupid little screens in front of our seats on Kingfisher Airlines.

But all that cosying didn't amount to much because, suddenly, outta nowhere....

Lo! and behold, if that aint good ol' Lolo. Now I realize that Mallya and Shilpa have a bond and all, you know, one of those South-Indian ties, being from the same region and all, but gosh, does a Kapoor in the middle disgust you soooo much? Karisma's a nice lady, y'all!!

And well, I can't blame Karisma for wanting to position herself elsewhere, because when you look like a million bucks and your spouse looks like that... well...

I'm speculating a catfight, but there was a lot of air kissing between Karisma and Shilpa, so maybe no one was being a kabab-mein-haddi and no thunder was stolen. Anyway, they both look great...

But I think this round goes to Karisma... because, Shilpa, a leopard print bra under a not-so-Chantilly lace corset-top is JUST NOT HOT.

So way to go Karisma! Who cares if your hubby has a pakora nose??? (and i'm pretty sure Shilpa can relate to that)... WE love YOU!!!

It's lunch time.
Sleep deprived and all-shopped-out, I shall take your leave.
Have a great rest-of-the-week.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

2007-03-08T19:33:00.000+05:30

Well, it's been a while since I've written... things have been exceptionally busy with the Budget, Assembly elections in 3 states, and Women's Day... so have been continuously in edit!!
Anyway, my Bollywood friends have also been busy, with music launches...

Here's the cast at the music launch of Vikram Bhatt's Life Mein Kabhie Kabhie...

Nauheed Cyrusi looked casual and chic in a simple jeans and tee ensemble...

Aftaab continues to look like the neglected, lesser Soprano... and the print of that shirt looks like roll-on wallpaper from Wal-Mart.

And I like Dino Morea, but there's something about a grown man flexing his muscles in a baby pink t-shirt with a cartoon motif on it that's slightly.... disturbing.

And that wasn't the only music launch....here's the cast of Shakalaka Boom Boom...

Now I do remember some entertainment journalists saying that Bobby Deol hasn't been in the news in a while...

And I do believe that the middle Deol took "putting himself in the news" a lee-tle too seriously!! Cropped jackets I like, and newspapers I love, but that particular thing would best be left on a park bench.

And Celina Jaitley decided to pay a tribute to her cartoon hero(ine), She-ra, Princess of Power:

Give her a cape and a blond wig, and she could possibly emcee a She-Ra LookAlike Convention in Vegas!! Isn't there a resemblance??

Well, the good thing is both her career and her boobs are headed in the same direction: Due South!!!

Work has been rather busy, and with more elections coming up, things will only get busier. Oh, the woes of living in the world's largest frikkin democracy!! This weekend two of my closest friends are visting, so my girlfriends and I are collectively on shopping duty!! Now I must get back to the mundane cutting of soundbytes...
Have a great weekend everyone!
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah

Sightings...

2007-02-23T14:04:00.000+05:30

It's the Race of Poonawalla! And celebs showed up in their Sunday best. Here are Tara Sharma and Yana Gupta.

Tara Sharma looks quite nice I think, I like the print of her dress and the hat. The string of beads also adds a nice touch. Very My Fair Lady/ Pretty Woman...

Yana Gupta, though, looks less like Audrey Hepburn form My Fair Lady and more like Dame Edna:
Did a pink turkey nosedive into her hat and commit suicide? I think we need to give our birds more open spaces.

Ok I have to rush. I decided to host a luncheon for my girlfriends tomorrow so I must make calls and reservations and find out who's allergic to what, and who's allergic to whom. So that we may all eat in peace!
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Be Ready: Rexona and Preity

2007-02-23T12:20:00.000+05:30

Preity Zinta can never win with me. After innaugurating scented stamps, she's now posing next to a giant roll-on deoderant stick!!! Oh, she cracks me up.

She looks so happy she might have just been made President-for-Life of the Bandra Glee Club!! I like the dress, though it might've looked better on an Olsen twin... and the pic is
making me wonder... is Preity preggers?? Even here...

Think about it... Anyway, the weekend is here, and my plan of going out of town and escaping to the hills went compeletely down the drain, so I shall watch Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd and shop and party in dreary old Delhi for yet another weekend. Actually, that aint so bad! Have a great weekend. And the weather forecast says no rain, so even better.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Honeymoon Travels

2007-02-23T10:40:00.000+05:30

Here's the cast of Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd, looking quite lovley! Fresh, casual, smart... Now I really wanna watch the movie!

but on closer inspection... hmmm...

Sandhya Mridul I like. Very summery. and Shabana Azmi is rarely dressed badly, and she looks her classy self, but a little too much brown for a sunny day I think. And I'm only saying that because bright colours look so nice on you Shabana!

But Raima Sen... something went wrong... Is that an empire-waist maternity dress?
And I really am fond of KayKay Menon, but that shirt ain't so hot. And Farhan looks nice but quite like Michael Kelso from That 70's Show.
But definitely a movie I must check out. C'mon, they went around town promoting the movie in a pink tour bus!! Gotta give 'em props for that.

Stardust Awards

2007-02-21T13:21:00.000+05:30

Hello one and all! I've been rather busy this past week... Hence the absence...

Here is Bollywood, all glam-sham, at the Stardust Awards night...

When Bad Things Happen to Black Sarees
The Black Saree is one of the most elegant things you could possibly wear. Something you can never go wrong with. But these ladies sure did!

Ayesha Takia resembles Morticia Adams. And the other saree is just plain weird.

And more atrocities in black....
Diya Mirza came dressed as her fourth-grade science project, the Star-Studded Sky in the Nehru Planetarium. And she seems damn excited about it!!
And Charlie's Ho's managed to get into the party... ummm... does anyone know them? I think I've seen one face in a random music video...
And Kunal Kapoor, I'm no PhD in chest hair, but I do believe that chest is hairy. And that you have unbuttoned your shirt so low that what we are seeing your abdomen.

Kangana Ranaut scores again....

Little black dress? Check.
Ballerina flats? Check.
Dramatic, shimmery, ice-crystal quality eye-shadow? Check. Goodstuff.

And Preity is fast becoming our answer to Tara Reid. Hai na?

And Upen Patel... a friend who did regular work at the (then) Lakme India Fashion Week told me that Upen had paid his PR agents a whopper to create the hype around him. But what's the hype about?

Lose the white tie, you are not P. Diddy.
Lose the studs, you are not P. Diddy.
Lose the smirk, coz you ain't P. Diddy!!!

Well I have not been the happiest camper helath-wise. I believe I am on the verge of pneumonia. I have been coughing and sneezing and sniffing and out of breath for a while now. And I am only slightly hypochondriac-ish. So off to the doctor I shall go today. The newsroom has been buzzing, since there has been yet another terror attack on innocent Indians and Pakistanis aboard a train... It's scary how unsafe India is becoming.

Brooding and worried, I shall sign off.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

2007-02-14T13:52:00.000+05:30

By the way, you can catch the KBC Valentine's day special tonight, Feb 14th at 9:00pm IST on Star Plus... I think my blog clock is set to Atlantic time, which is why the posts are dated a day early... must correct it...

It's just a Question of a Question...

2007-02-14T11:15:00.000+05:30

Haanji. Ek sawaal ka sawaal hai.... How many times can Malaika Arora-Khan let her pallu slip and expose a junglee bra-encased boobie??? On the KBC Valentine's day special, we found out, quite a number of times!!! (for readers not from the subcontinet, KBC is the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and Malaika is a VJ/item dancer/talentless woman with a great body who flaunts it for money) Not that I have anything against halter bras and bras as outer wear, but when the pallu is supposed to cover the boobie, why not let it? Or then be innovative and make yourself a string pallu.

Peek-a-Boobie1: Demure but Calculated
Here she is with the rest of the gang, and she thought, no one else is gonna give me boobie competition, (except maybe bro-in-law Salman but he's not here) so let's just let the pallu slip during the jig. I wanna give Shah Rukh's red shirt some company.

Peek-a-Boobie2: Doing the Bhangra
C'mon, when you're doing the bhangra it's only natural that your pallu slips and a red boobie pops out. Don't you people know anything about bhangra?? Like so....
Peek-a-Boobie3: The Thinking Boob
Well. Two pairs of eyes and two brains aren't enough, so Malaika's boobie is helping out, staring at that computer screen, helping her and hubby Arbaaz Khan decide which answer to pick. Life's not easy for a right boobie, you know!!

Peek-a-Boobie4: Hangin' Out with the Boys

Arbaaz is thinking: When will this end??
Shah Rukh Khan is thinking: That skank ho's left boobie is taking all the attention away from my waxed-out upper chest!!!
Malaika is thinking: SUCKERS!!!!

And that saree, Malaika, is BEYOND ATROCIOUS.
It looks like a zebra, cheetah and drag queen mated and the cumulative carcass of the creature that came out of it was skinned and treated to obtain this monstrosity that you have draped over yourself. I think even Marilyn Manson would give it a pass!!!

The Ones whose Thunder got Stolen:
Farah, that looks more like a shower curtain and considering your girth, it could very well be made into one.

And Karan, just by getting Farah to cosy up to you on the sets of KBC will not do away with your flaming gay status. So stop trying so hard!

Hmmm...
Well it's Valentine's day and the way the Indian media is going on and on about it has left me queasy since 6am. I fail to understand... Am I supposed to feel like a better employee when I walk into the newsroom and see ugly, deformed, red-heart balloons staring at me? Does the boss really think that cheap heart-shaped chocolates and ugly red stickers are what we really want?? Whatever happenned to doing things with class?? Gimme a non-taxable bonus package! Send me on a junket! Give me my own food and travel show so that I may embezzle company funds to feed my own little diva self!

Kidding, I'm not such a bad employee. For those of you in love, have a lovely day, but don't do anything overtly corny that might be cause for an upchuck. As for me, from a very early age, I couldn't figure out why people didn't just give each other ruby/diamond hearts instead of plastic/candy hearts and have been searching for the perfect match ever since...
Funny... I've also been called high-maintenance, if the two are connected in any way at all... =p

Fug not and stay hot.
Muah!!

Hmmm...

2007-02-13T14:46:00.000+05:30

Well it's called Bollywood Bitchslap, but I wrote about the Grammys, so the question is, should me be keeping it only-desi, or verbally bitchslap other parts of the globe as well?? Tell me, tell me...

Lunchtime, so I am off.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah!!

The Grammys

2007-02-13T09:27:00.000+05:30

Aah, it's the biggest night in music. And what a show it was.

Ok so maybe my cutie-patootie Justin Timberlake didn't walk away with much, but what the hell. Ok so u must know that I'm partial to the guy... C'mon, I've been watching him since his Mickey Mouse Club days, and I must say I'm impressed with his career graph. Hate him, call him gay, say he has a squeaky voice, call his music total horse manure... whatever. But the guy's definitely doing something right if he's selling so many records and getting nominated for so many awards. Hell, he got Cameron Diaz herself for a while, and that, my boys is very very commendable.
Ok so isn't there like, something sooooooo totally adorable about guys who can like, dance and play the pinao???

I'll sing a duet with you anytime!!

Let's see, who else, who else... Hmmm... Nelly Furtado got tired of men walking upto her and asking her if she really was a promiscuous girl, so she decided to put herself through a paper shredder, but stopped halfway....

Scarlett Johansson on the other hand went to a thrift store and picked out the same kinda dress MariahCarey wore on the cover of her first album...

The shoes are cute though... but that dress looks outdated and incomplete. It's just disturbing me, because it looks like a glamourized work-out outfit.

Seal rediscovered the joys of the Rexine fabric, and Rexine of the worst kind at that: chewed and spat out by a cow. Whats in heaven's name is that? is it supposed to be a ruffled look? Or a crumpled look? Or are you the amazing Melting Man or something? It looks rather shrivelled.

And look!! It's Haggertty-Faggotty!!!

John Mayer, you really look like a fag at times. And that stiffenning of the lip doesn't make you look tough. You look like a spoilt adolescent on an ego trip. Your music I like, but the rest of you is questionable. Highly.

PROPS....

Ludacris!!!!!!!!!!

Mary J Blige....

She is the ultimate woman of substance. It was indeed her night and she looked lovely lapping up the awards. Respect. A lot of it.

Shakira looks gorgeous. Love the dress and the way it falls, love the makeup, love the hair, nice clutch. Props.
And even here, during the show, she looks great. U gotta hand it to Shakira... that woman can move. I mean her hips have got a mind of their own. I love the song Hips Don't Lie, by the way. And yeah, Shakira's probably the only woman who can wear gold breast-plates and a gold sarong and actually pull it off. So more props to the Colombian chica!! (ya i know she's half Lebanese, don't worry.)

Now Wyclef honey, I love you, I really do, from Killing Me Softly to Gone Till November uptill now... Maybe u should listen to what you're singing.
Yeah, Hips Don't Lie, and yours are certainly sending out a clear message.
They're ugly, Wyclef. So pull up them pants and cover that butt. NOW.

It's a crazy day in the newsroom. Elections, weather changes... and my boss is going ballistic, so with no further ado, me gotta go mic-up!!!!!
Bye-bye people, fug not stay hot u know how it works!!!

RED media meet

2007-02-11T19:35:00.000+05:30

I'm no fan of Celina Jaitley, mainly because I think she's the slutty-not-classy type. She strikes me as the kind of woman who might play Pam Anderson's role in a Bollywood remake of Barb Wire... But that aside, I do like wrap dresses, and large, graphic-y prints are quite in this season. Which is why despite all my loathing for the woman, I must hand out the props for this Diane von Furstenburg number.... (i'm hoping it is since I saw the same dress in an online catalog)

But Celina must realize that she has freeze-dried skin, and that she is not Marilyn Monroe...
That isn't really a classic Hollywod come-hither look. It's a stoned look. Your eyes are severely overdone, haven't seen eyes like that since Asha Parekh, in fact. And I have told you before, those boobs are sagging... peek-a-boobs are acceptable, but don't let them positively leak out of your ensemble.

And that hair... ugh. When I looks at it, methinks not volume, but moussed-out wiry-mess. Shudder.

And Aftaab is wearing so much black it's making me break into a sweat in the chilly rainy Delhi weather. I feel sorry for the guy. His career peaked when he was a year old with a Farex ad, his "comeback" was a Coke commercial some 19 years later... and then, tragically, his career just fizzled out. Oh, I couldn't help the pun sweetheart!! Anyway, he looks like a bouncer at a nightclub which has seen better days... Quite like the man himself!!!

Conversely, he could also be the younger Soprano bro who's left out of the haul because he's such a loser. Sigh. And that shaved head is going to impress no one but Tirupati Balaji himself... and even there I have doubts.

Well, it's Monday morning and I have come into office only to comment on the dull dreary weather that is looming over the Capital this morning. So I must rush and mic-up. Have a great week ahead... and please don't do anything overtly soppy on St. Valentine's. There are enough reasons to hurl as it is ;-)
Fug not and stay hot.

Muah.

Preity Still Pathetic : Innaugurating Rose-Scented Stamps by the Indian Government

2007-02-10T15:00:00.000+05:30

Preity Zinta is innaugurating STAMPS... what in fuck's name is going on, woman?? Is she trying to win over a whole new audience, a major share of the viewership, the Philatelists? I didn't even know they were part of audience surveys. Or maybe this is just the world's way of telling you that you're becoming an old hag.

That coke-infused dimply smile is really getting on my nerves. And get rid of the fake lashes honey, we can tell, for Chrissake....Oh n that stringy mop is cause for concern, too... Did you walk through a hailstorm?? You ought to try L'oreal's Techniart Liss Control Serum... works wonders!!

And here you are, standing with IT & Communications Minister Dayanidhi Maran... now Preity, Mr. Maran isn't voted the best-dressed MP for nothing, you know... the man's got a class all his own. Blackberry, iphone, Merc, Italian suits... so you are only making yourself look worse by posing with him in that drab, gaudy, K-serial inspired outfit...

And Preity honey, just because you're innaugurating a stamp doesn't mean you actually have to look like a postal worker!!!!

This outfit is so,so, objectionable, even Bhagyashree wouldn't have donned it in her Maine Pyar Kiya days. And all that Botox and collagen has really toughened up your face na, Preity? Coz your face looks as solid as your upper arms.

She has inspired me to pen down a cutey-bubbly-pukey-rhyme!! (quite like her, in fact)

Preity thinks she's really cute,
with an awesome body to boot,
But what she doesn't really know,
is that she was young very long ago.

Much has changed since then,
from spring chicken she is now Old Hag-Mother Hen.
The dress is quite atrocious,
The upper arms rather ferocious...

So it's time to shop for clothes with Ness,
and clean up, you flaky,flaky mess.

Hmmm...
Well dear readers, the weekend has arrived, and I must graciously attend a dinner party at my friend's residence before heading out with my gilrlfriends and getting completely wasted. We have taken a corporate decision to ditch the men in our lives tonight because they have been rather cranky of late... Tantrums I can handle, but a bitchfit from a boy is just unacceptable.

Have a great weekend, though I must warn you that if you live in NorthWest India, it's going to be a drizzler...
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah!

Black Friday Premiere

2007-02-10T07:41:00.000+05:30

Taylor-ing defect
Minisha Lamba is pretty but that's just too much pancake honey... your face looks bleached-out. And would it kill you to do your eyes up a bit? And I really like the flirty-feminine thing you got going on with the top-half of your enesemble, but what happened with the lowers??

Those pockets look more built for Tim the Toolman Taylor than anyone else. Socket wrench, screwdriver, pliers... think they'd all fit in there quite nicey.

Caught!!
Dia Mirza is here practising her Rabbit-in-the-Headlights look... I know you have a pretty symmetrical face, deep-set eyes, sharp features and all that jazz, but anyone shoving their face that close to a camera will look like they need a nose job. You look like one of those kittens stuck in a drainpipe with a tube-camera shoved in their face... on Animal Planet's World's Greatest Pet Rescues.

But I thought she was quite well put together. A little college girl-ish, but casual n clean all the same. And a black girly top with jeans can never go too wrong, you know what I mean? A neckpiece would've been nice though.

Brylcreem Boy
And Johnny boy we have just GOT to do something about that hair... WHY do u this John?? And u have such a style-diva for a girlfriend. Gosh, u are beginning to resemble Mahendra Singh Dhoni from those god-awful Brylcreem ads more and more everyday... And John, barring batting skills, you surely would not want to be compared to that man.

And something happenned to Sushmita Sen's shirt!!!! Her cat ripped and clawed right through it!! How terrible... which is why her arms and torso look like they're behind bars.

It's ok Sush, you don't hafta hunch and smile sheepishly and hide it!! We all have pet problems at home. The difference is we wouldn't step out in something our cat/dog/other pet chewed and clawed at.

Or maybe this is some gross misrepresentaion of Rip Curl clothing... but last I checked, Rip Curl was/is an Austarlian surfing brand, and I know for a fact that their clothes are neither ripped nor curled. Oh well.

And Pawan Malhotra wanted to redeem himself of his Tiger Memon image so he decided to dress up as Simi Garewal.

How sweet. He's even managed to get that coquettish head-tilt right.

And FYI: Tommy Hilfiger at New York Fashion Week has gone on record to say that Grey is the new Black.

How do I know? I work in a newsroom... it's our job to know. =)

Khemuboy

2007-02-08T10:32:00.000+05:30

Kunal Khemu's curly-girly tresses are disturbing me. This is him at a Traffic Signal press meet. He has to figure out whether he wants to be the tough guy or the chocolate boy. Muscles, check. Stubble, check. But with that cap he looks like he's paying homage to the Just William series... There is some sort of a resemblance, isn't there? Methinks the Ujala boy still lurks in the labyrinth of the Khemu.

Indian Derby

2007-02-07T11:16:00.000+05:30

RetroBitch: Vivek Oberoi

Vivek, Vivek... kahaan se kahaan... I'm a sucker for white, I really am, and I really like the shirt and the cool and breezy look, the glares too. But for some reason, were u hungover from a 70's theme party?? U seem to be idolising a lot of things flowery-powery and disco...

Ok, so you idolised Jumpin Jack Jeetu in his heyday. I love the ensemble otherwise, but that's just too white, kiddo.

And here, our man is taking isnpiration from Saturday Night Fever, Travolta style.

And look!! It's Vivek's quarter-life brush with Beatlemania... !!!!!!

Maybe you should live in a Yellow Submarine. Coz that hair is certainly not for the public domain.

BovineBitch: Vasundhara Das
Black or white, she just DOES NOT get it right. (ok i think i'm gonna hurl that Moccachino bcoz my rhyme is so unbelievably shady). The glares I approve, even the way the hair is coloured... (it looks better than Kareena's leather saddle,) but that top.... gosh, just because it's called the Indian Derby and has something to do with horses doesn't mean you have to lasso-up like an extra from an old John Wayne movie. That collar is ewww. And those...( I don't even have words to describe them- ugh!) patterns on the kurta... something at the bottom of a pile of 50-buckers in Sarojini Market. You are a pretty lady. Tone down. Dress up.

And look!!!!!!!!
Indiana Jones and his entourage finally found their way to the Lost Ark.

It's a good thing Prahlad Kakkar only directs adfilms and doesn't star in them.

Well... my shift is up and I have no desire to remain in this wretched newsroom with screechy bosses much longer, so I shall depart.
Much love to all.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah!!

Johnnie Walker One Tree Music Festival

2007-02-06T11:21:00.000+05:30

Finally, a different Bollywood crowd here... Quite refreshing indeed!

So here's Randeep Hooda practising his Stoned Rabbit in the Headlights look:
Uff. Would it kill you to stand straight? Don't tell me you have pre-pubescent issues with your height.

And here's Sunjay Dutt looking cool and casual... Albeit a lee-tle worried about his bail extension plea...

And sis Priya Dutt, who's casual, fuss-free style I have always quite liked...

Farhan Akhtar and Ehsaan Noorani rocking the party... Sigh...
How come none of the boys I knew in college looked like this? Love the tee Farhan, love the tee...

And this stylish chica is looking good.
Layered, casual, accessorised and simple.
Nice.

Apache Indian looks like a drug dealer. He was hoping Madhur Bhandarkar would cast him in Traffic Signal 2.
And that yellow sweatshirt really does look like the scraps of cloth little boys hawk at traffic signals... talk about going all out for a role!!!

And presenting to you, her Bovine Majesty, Queen of Bovaria, Vasundhara Das!!!!

Why oh why must she present herself like such a cow?
It pains me so, so much. Because she does have a pretty face and very nice eyes. Remember her in Hey Ram? She looked so nice then. But honey, clean up a bit, will ya? You look like a JNU student. That too, the unbathed kind. Lose the dark circles, shed some flab, wear a kurta that looks like it's been laundered, and for the sweet love of god, DON'T WEAR A WHITE BRA UNDER A BLACK KURTA. Your hair needs nourishment as well, but let's start with the aforementioned.

Today has been a rather hundrum day in the newsroom. Yesterday's crappy mood was elevated with a spot of shopping and Oreo Cheesecake. I have realized that I am quite an easy person to please; shove Oreo/Chocolate/Blueberry/virtually any sort of cheesecake in my face and I'm quite the happy puppy. The weather is changing, so now it's time to shop for summer clothes again... whooppeeee!!! And I heard today that MAC is opening up it's first outlet in Delhi in May... what more could moi ask for?

Have a nice day one and all.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah!

Some random party

2007-02-05T12:07:00.000+05:30

Ok so the Aroras/Khans/Arora-Khans are at a party and stuffing their face with cake and the MAC-foundation outlined happiness on their face is something I give a skinny rat's ass about. Ok ladies and gentlemen I am really not Ms Merry Sunshine this fine fine day, thank god I anchored my pitiful little segment before I sat down to write this, lest the viewers would have really thought I had a thorn stuck up my hiney.

Ok so Malaika has got the right stuff... Stripes? Check. Broad belt? Check. Cap/head accessory? Check. But when it all came together.... uh... not so hot. See, Malaika, when Cosmo tells u that a "belt cinched at the waist" is in, they don't really mean a belt that almost covers your whole frikkin torso. Anyway, the belt looks like something those freakshow one-eyed giants at the circus wear... u know, with the big boots...
And the stripes and that cap make me wonder.. is she doing an item number for the Broadway Musical, Newsies 2: Paperboys Go To Jail??
And when will Amrita Arora get over her sister and out of these package-deal appearances? And what is with that outfit? Is she still hungover from her Disco '82 video shoot?

And yeh raha hamara Punjabi kudi byoo-ti

Children, Yeh hai hamara National Bird. Isko hum "peacock" kehte hain. Lekin yeh jo hai, shaayad peacock nahi, magar "Pea-COW" hai. And I thought such sights were only to be seen at the lower end of Lajpat Nagar at the height of Diwali shopping. Yes it's very festive, but you really haven't given us a reason to celebrate honey. Not in that outfit, no.

Ok I am in a foul mood. A foul, fuck-all, scratch your eyes out mood. Caught between egoistical twentysomething IvyLeague investment bankers, and snot-nosed yuppie boys who are fun but can't make up their mind, what in fuck's name is a girl to do?? Gentlemen, a woman's patience can be tested, but 1 am is really not the time to be scoping!! And no, I don't work at a call centre so I will not be wide awake then.

So much stress, what is a girl to do??

I know.... SHOP!!!!!!!
I think its time to take out all those cards and swipe, swipe, swipe...
The joys of a shallow wannabe- diva existence... works for me!!

Laters.
Fug not and stay hot.
muah

Traffic stoppers and shockers: Traffic Signal Premiere

2007-02-04T13:10:00.000+05:30

Shreyas Talpade is a cutie-patootie. He's adorable. And a good actor. But why oh why Shreyas, did you hafta wear that shirt?? See, the bedsheet and tablecloth material in FabIndia is actually meant for, well, BEDSHEETS and TABLECLOTHS.
Or is it the Jet Airways flight attendants' shirt in a larger print? Dunno.

Anusha, puh-leeze pretty please with a cherry on top do something about those ugly-frikkin awful dark circles. You're not studying for your CAT/IIT-JEE (if u even know what that is honey) so dark circles will not impress or freak out your peers. And stop posing in that awful style with your hips jutting out. You're not pregnant and you're not a cretin. Or are you? A cretin, that is...

Ladies and gentlemen, this, is a paisley print worn very nicely. Full props to Kangna Ranaut.

Maybe we could go a little easy on the bronzer... just a thought.

And Juhi Chawla just seems to get better with age

Well played.

And presenting to you...

The Ho in the Harem who Never Got Picked. Because of that outfit. She looks like a Big Bird minus the feathers from Sesame Street... Forgive me, I don't know what Big Bird's character is called in the Hindi version Galli Galli Sim Sim.

Hmmm...
I have no more energy left and my tummy is rumbling from too many chocolate chip cookies.
So I shall take leave.
Again, have a great week ahead.
Fug not and stay hot!
Muah

Voting Day

2007-02-04T09:07:00.000+05:30

Ok I've had it up to here with the goddamn BMC elections. I love Mumbai and Mumbaikars, I really do, and most of my subjects are Mumbaikars, but I don't know why news channels had to go ga-ga over a municipal election. Half of the viewers of the channel I work for probably don't even know who their MP is, why in fuck's name would they care about a corporator?? I shudder to think of what things would be like when the Lok Sabha elections come around. Gimme a break, people... even the tiger himself, Bal Thackeray, looked highly disinterested as he went to vote. And u'd think he would give a damn. (And how do I know this?? Because when the feed came in, the input desk screamed, "Balasaheb voting visuals are in!!! Cut them, jaldi, jaldi, arrey, utho yaar, no other channel's got him so far!!!..." And I was shaken out of my semi-slumber and thrown on an edit machine as I cut and patched and my editor bitched about how no one gives a damn about what's happening in Jalandhar anymore.) Anyway, the Sena-BJP alliance is back in power, and the stars went out to vote, and shallow bitches like me have somehting to write about...!!! So I guess the BMC elections do affect me afterall.

Preity Pathetic
Ok I can't see under that mop, ( it looks like a Korean seaweed salad that's gone rotten) but if her tee says I'm Too Cute to be Cruel to Animals I will reallytruly and with all the force in my frame hurl and throw a bitchfit. Preity, you are no longer in kindergarten, stop trying to act so cute!!!!

I don't know what your sufferring from... The Proverbial Highschool Sweetheart Hangover or the I Never Got Asked to the Prom Coz I Was Too Ugly Then So Look At Me Now complex...

Now u know I have issues with you and your Botox, and yes, if used in the right way, Botox can give you bee-stung lips, but the way your going, your lips look like victims of domestic violence. Since I'm based in Delhi anyway, should I drop into Ms. Girija Vyas' home and ask the NWC to take action against Ness?? A sistah-to-sistah gesture?

Freshen up a bit honey... u need it!!

Jai Mata Di

Look!! I, Hema Malini, danseuse par excellence, have invented a new dance Mudra: The Vote-pathaakam!!
U raise your fingers just so, bend the tip of your finger slightly, position the free hand behind the upheld finger in a right angle, and raise your eyebrows to add meaning....!!
But the lady still looks and dances great after all these years, and better than her daughters, so RESPECT.
As a politician she has a bit of foot-in-mouth disease, (recall her recent comments on UP-ites and where they should go!!) but methinks she's gonna be the firebrand campaigner to watch out for, next Lok Sabha polls.

Just Pooja

So Pooja Bedi is playing the lead in the new Lion King Musical. Yup. It's called From Simba to Simbette: The CatFight Chronicles.That mane is neither sex-kitten nor Out-of-Bed and Lightly Tousled, but DIS-turbing. I'm glad she hid that vacuous pillowcase expression behind those glares. The layered tank I like, the glares I like, and though I cant see the entire picture, I do believe there are a few too many buttons on those TLC No Scrubs-inspired lowers than necessary.

Lotsa Gut, no Glory!!

Vivek, sweetpea, you're an attractive man and intelligent enough, but SUCK IN THAT GUT, babyboy. Maybe Ash's engagement to Abhishek has driven you to chow-down on one chicken parantha too many, but I thought, for men especially, hitting the gym was the best way to de-stress?? Or are you one of those sentimental emotional I Shall Heal Myself with Reiki types?
Sigh. Should've figured you must be, considering you gave that crazy old Ice Queen a puppy named Sunshine.

And some advice on sweats/jackets and tees. Only one of the two should have a large print/design. Or if both do, then zip up. Keep it casual.

Like Leo did in The Departed. Don't you just love him?? Who would've thought that any guy could make a grey tee, black jacket and jeans look so HOT??? Thats why we love you Leo. And you can act!!!

White Fright

I was really dolin' out props to you for Salaam-e-Ishq, but what is with that white watch? Is it a political ploy of some sort, now that you're an MP?? hmmm... or...

Ha!! I thought as much!!
So it is a fancy ID tag from a fashion rehab
centre for people who wear TOO MUCH WHITE.

Forget after Labour Day.
Don't wear white like that EVER.

If you wearing white, get it right... (omigod my little couplet is making me squeal!!!)
Check Gulzar...

Cool, classy, confident. The way it should be worn.

It's a lazy Sunday at work and I'm all shopped out from yesterday. Groceries, clothes, little pillows and lampshades... yeah I'm a reatiler's dream. I'm beginning to worry that the only exercise I get is lugging shopping bags up and down the stairs. Sigh...The little tragedies of my little existence.
Anyway, have a great week ahead people.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

A Salute to the Cast: Salaam-e-Ishq!!!

2007-01-31T10:15:00.000+05:30

So I watched the movie the other night... and what can I say?? I was entertained... in equal measure by my sarcastic roomie/best pal/regular movie watching partner Ms B, as well as the kid who decided to turn her diaper into a headdress, the nachos, the pocorn, the Pepsi and one Twix and one Snickers bar (it was almost 4 hours long people, gimme some credit, will ya? Plus I couldnt take my medication on an empty stomach so....)

So it's time to offer our salute to the cast of this Love Actually inspired flick, for the good and the bad...

We Salute You: Salman Khan

Salman Khan is closer to fifty. His man-muscleboobs have been on display for a while now, and though he insists that his body is the result of gymming and the Wholsome Goodness of Homemade Protein Shakes, we kinda suspect otherwise... Anyway, I must say that I appreciate the fact that he's man enough to USE BOTOX. I'm convinced the man has botoxed his sagging face, a la Preity Zinta... what else could explain his one, long, pained expression throughout the film?? And I thought the Brits had a stiff upper lip. Or maybe he botoxed himself coz he was auditioning for the Hindi remake of Rocky Balboa... u know, so that he could get the "Adrriiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn" right, just like Sly Stalone.....

And the "Raoul" thingie... honey, I think it's best you stick to being a Prem. Coz everytime you said "Raoul", in those god-awful crotch-hugging jeans with the leather patches/pouches/bows/straps, you looked and sounded like a dying GlamKing from the World Wrestling Federation.(ok so its WWE now, but when i was growing up it was WWF).

And somewhere along the line methinks he forgot he was the HERO and not the HEROINE... coz he was spitting out his dialogues with more oomph than Ms Chopra herself. Aah, u know what they say about men in a mid-life crisis.

We Salute You: Priyanka Chopra

Ok so maybe i'm partial to Ms. Chopra, but I genuinely do think she was good in the movie. Ok so the little head-tosses and snapping of the neck did have me worry about her spondilitis, but on the whole I thought she rocked. If it was a diva the role called for, she was perfect. And ladies, you gotta hand it to her, the girl can move. I mean more than just shake a leg. Thought she was great in the Dil Leke number. Ok so the "Babuuuuuuuuu" and the constantly referring to herself in the third person ("Kkamini ko item queen se tragedy queen banna ha") did get a lee-tle irritating at times, but she survived acting opposite an inflated botox syringe, so props to you woman.

We Salute You: Akshaye Khanna

I thought Akshaye Khanna rocked. He was good for the role without hamming. The perfect brat... Shades, wheels, fumes, tantrums, commitment issues and lotsa JD... (Wow! an uncanny resemblance to the prodigal ex-boyfriend!!)
I shall not take the opportunity to verbally bitchslap him, coz let's face it, his and Ayesha Takia's love story was the funnest, but there is one thing I have an issue with... That tee-shirt. Who wears a sequinned red skull on a black tee?? It looks more like Pirates of the Carribean part 3: Hairy Man's Chest. (and ur chest is hairy Akshaye, we saw that in the movie, but we'll talk about men's waxing techniques later.) And ladies, if your fiancee is wearing a tee-shirt like that to his bachelor party, it's best to let him stay a bachelor. Saves you a messy divorce.

We Salute You: Ayesha Takia

We blinked, you were there. We blinked again, and you were still there. We blinked a third time, and no, you hadn't disappeared. At your level, in such a big production, that's great. A small role maybe, but cute, very cute. Props to you, girlfriend!!!

We Salute You: Govinda!!!

Well, he's back and HOW!! I've always liked Chi- Chi, there's something so lovable about him. Well he's an MP and a representataive of the people and all that now, but he was the best Raju Taxiwallah around. The "Mydums" and the " saal we?" were quite endearing. All in all, good show. Their love story was refreshing, though a tad cliched. And he can still kick it better than boys half his age!! really... He danced WAY better than anyone, and he's got more hair on his head than Akshaye, more energy than John Abraham, better skin than Anil Kapoor... WELCOME BACK Govinda!! And here's to seeing more of you on the screen.

We Salute You: Shannon Esra

Well played, Shannon, well played indeed. For one, you were Yank instead of British, which was a refreshing change (tired of all these brit firangs in Indian flicks,) and the Hindi was accented subtly and nicely. And best of all, you struck a nice balance... you were neither the nasal and aggressive American, nor were you the Peace Corps/Holier Than Thou American. And I thought you looked gorgeous in the last scene with the red kurti and a hint of kohl. Way to go!!

We Salute You: John and Vidya

I liked their story... and not just coz I work in a newsroom. But a few hiccups here and there....
Vidya Balan is GORGEOUS. But I dont know why she insists on looking like a social worker all the time. Those ghera skirts have got to go, woman. Even FabIndia's moved them down to the back shelves. And Ghera skirts with long kurtas are just not hot... maybe for models on the ramp or Afghan refugees or Pilates champions, but not for people with an average, non-lanky frame.

And John... sigh... find me a guy as sweet as that in any newsroom and i'll marry him right now. John is getting better with the caring husband/sensitive -yet-macho-man image. But John, honey, that Tere Naam inpsired haircut has just GOT TO GO. And let's think beyond cargo pants. Coz your a goodlooking guy. I don't understand filmmakers and their obsession with putting male television journalists in cargo pants. And in case your wondering, all men in a newsroom don't wear only cargo pants.

We Salute You: Juhi and Anil Kapoor

Juhi Chawla.. good job. Looked great, wore the right kinda clothes, very well put-together, all in all a classy package. And you played a loving wife without going over the top and getting all sulky and Bhartiya naari- types. Basically, you made us sympathise with you without making us hurl!!! And thats great. I still can't get over how pretty she still is, after all these years. Respect to thee.

Well, we know this flick's inspired by Love Actually, but I didn't know that Anil Kapoor was supposed to play the role of Liam Neeson's kid who jumps the gates at Heathrow... yup, in that last mad rush to get on the plane before Juhi left, I think he actually managed to outrun the little Brit bloke!!!! Way to go, Anil!!! The Goatee was classy but, plz, if your ever going thru a mid-life crisis like your character in the film, DON'T EVER TRY DOING THE MOONWALK TO DE-STRESS. I'm still shudderring. Brrr.

We Salute You: Random Ho'

You are pretty, no doubt, you are from the Spinz or Kotex or some other B-grade feminine product ad campaign, but you are certainly not equipped to play the "other" woman. And why oh why did Nikhil Advani cast you as a Bollywood dance instructor?? Those weren't dance moves, but some sort of painful erotic physiotherapy if anything at all. And OH MY GOD woman you are NOT Beyonce Knowles. So plz dont wear white lacy hot pants and jiggle your cellulite because you are SO NOT bootylicious. Methinks you should stick to ad campaigns because you sure as hell can't act.

We Salute You: The Voice of Karan Johar

You smartypants, you!! Sneaking into the movie like that so we'd all remember that Nikhil Advani owes you Oh! So Much!! The moment I heard your peppy little gay self, even the bubbles in my Pepsi did a little jig of fizzy joy!!! Hey I love your interviews man, (Koffee with Karan is actually one of my favourite shows) but I just can't help myself sometimes... So your Voice has been officially recognized and patented into a Bollywood Product.... but NO, Messrs Siddharth Basu & Co, producers of KBC, will NOT be calling you when it's time to take Shah Rukh off the air. Deal with it.

And Finally.... We Salute YOU, Sohail and Ishaa....

For FINALLY GETTING IT ON!!!! Phew. I was beginning to get worried. So what if it was during the closing credits?

But the title track is worth it... so the biggest shout out goes to Shankar, Ehsaan and Loy.

The newsroom is going insane on account of the Mumbai Civic Polls... and I'm tired. Yes it's a pity that people in Bandra don't have regular water supply, but I can't really do anything right now, can I? Sigh. The newsroom has indeed made me a bitter person. And Rachana darling I have nothing against Mumbai or Mumbaikars... luv ya!!!

Before my shift editor peeks over my shoulder...
Fug not and stay hot.

Society Young Achievers Awards

2007-01-29T12:36:00.000+05:30

Sania Mirza got sick of tennis gear so she decided to go kitsch. See, polka dots are in, stripes are too, but PolkaStripes?? Nonononono... and those earrings... GAWD woman!!!
She looks like Raggedy Ann dressed up for a Hoedown in Safari Country. Or maybe she just threw on some roadkill....

I have never been a great fan of Celina Jaitley... Mainly because she looks artificial and her skin loks freeze-dried... I dunno why she tries to glam up so much coz she ends up looking trashy. And she never knows how much skin to expose... or which areas either! Never bronze your boobs, woman... or if your adamant about pancaking your booty, then at least do it so that your face looks as radiant (or not) as your boobs. And you have sagging boobs so please stop weighing them down with mosntrous neckpieces.

And that weird coat of arms along the front of the dress ain't too ot either....

Shobhaa De also decided to go kitsch... except that saree looks like a hand-me-down from Ila Arun's Vote for Ghagra video.

Well, i'm off... I can feel the flu coming on... Goodbye. Fug not and stay hot.

Kareena, Kareena

2007-01-28T10:26:00.000+05:30

As much as you'd like to think the opposite Kareena, screwing up your face like that isn't really going to make your cheekbones any higher...

I have been sick of your soggy- leather boot coloured mane for a looooong time. Sun-kissed streaks are in honey, not a head of hair dipped in Berger's Weathercoat Rich Mahogany-Rosewood paint. The flooring in my home (and what a lovely home it is!!) is beginning to resemble your hair colour. Except my floor's made of wood.

But for the most part I like the Tee and the nude look when it come to your makeup.

Hmmm...
It's Sunday morning and I'm hungover. I have had three cups of InstaCoffee and my skin feels as freeze-dried as the milk in it. I am recouperating from being the victim of an unnecessary bargain deal from Messrs Sisley and Co last evening... (pick up 6 pieces, pay for just 3...)
So ladies, if you see me wearing one too many Sisley tees (and trying really hard to smile while I'm in them) in the days to come, u know it was because I WAS A DAFT IDIOT WHO CAVED INTO THE RETAIL-THERAPY DEVIL INSIDE ME.... I should have just bought an Ipod.
Till next time, Ola.

Indian Brands Show

2007-01-28T09:23:00.000+05:30

Sweating it Out

Ms. Dhupia,
A little circle of underarm sweat, especially during a show, is the heights of disgusting-ness. So maybe your sweat glands work overtime. WE DON"T NEED TO KNOW THAT. Yes, the world of fashion and (fashion shows especially,) are high-stress and high-tension... and since it seems to be stressing you out to such an extent, KINDLY USE AN ANTI-PERSPIRANT... Lady Speed Stick has a new Carribean Tropical fragrance range, maybe you'd like to start with that?

Dawg Pound

And Rahul Dev, I know you campaigned for PETA for the prevention of cruelty to street dogs, but that don't mean you've gotta start looking like a street dawg, dawg.. And eat something, will ya? Your skin looks sallow and you could be heading for manorexia.

And (yawn!) finally

And for the random ramplet.... awww, that's so great!! You decided to protect your "modesty" like a true Indian Woman by casually covering thy ladyparts with that satin scrap. Charming.

Well played: Big B

2007-01-26T23:29:00.000+05:30

You just gotta love this guy... Dapper and dignified, the Big B proves once again why he is the Big B...
at the Forever Indian Awards by DTC

Tart-o-meter

2007-01-26T23:23:00.000+05:30

Queenie Dhody has chicken legs and saddle-bag hips. And she looks like she's spent a lee-tle too much time in the tanner... Which is why she shoud NOT wear a the pink number she has on in the pic...

Look at the women on either side of you... and repeat after me...
After a certain age, you must tone-down, not tart-up...

Salaam-E-Ishq

2007-01-26T23:02:00.000+05:30

Priyanka Chopra is gorgeous. And she looked stunning in the red dress she wore to the premiere of Salaam-e-Ishq.... but why she had to cinch and pinch herself at the boobs and flatten her otherwise curvaceous figure out beats me...

And did she hafta use grandma's old brooch?

Give it up for Granny

2007-01-26T20:49:00.000+05:30

Ok, she's immensely talented, no doubt about that, a great singer, with a career which has spanned three generations. Which is why it pisses me off when Asha Bhonsle tries to act all cute and dimply. If I paste Preity Zinta about trying to act likea a spring chicken, you should be ashamed... You're OVER 60, woman... and your not some HelpAge India charitable cause... no ones gonna watch your videos and whip out their chequebooks and sign to Goodwill because they think your a cute, old, helpless, penniless granny. So stop singing with men half and one-quarter your age.

Sunjay Dutt looks more worried about the TADA verdict...
And wearing a tablecloth for a saree doesn't help, even if it is Kancheepuram silk.

And with Brett Lee... let's just say he's getting more out of this celebrity deal than you are!! And honestly... he's young enough to be your grandson. It's not cute... to sit across from each other, act like a couple, and ask, "Kya tum mere ho, kya mere hi rahoge tum?".... It's weird... and icky if anything at all!!!

My advice to all you beautiful people is... love your grandmoms... coz lonely grandmas... may end up like the Elder Bhonsle.
Happy Republic Day.
Till next time, fug not and stay hot.
Muah.

Doomed??

2007-01-20T18:55:00.000+05:30

Kaj-holed

I love Kajol. I really do. She's got substance, could hold her own alongside any Khan, and gave razor-thin Jackie Kennedy eyebrows in Bollywood a shove down the rear. And now that she's married, and I think her and Ajay are doing a pretty good job of the married-couple endorsement package without making us puke. I think they look rather nice in the Whirlpool and Tata Indicom campaigns. But is Kajol trying to tell us something here? At the launch of Tata Indicom's online store:

That she is pregnant? That this is her ode to fishing nets? Or better still, a really bad hangover from Hrithik's fishnet bodyhugging tee in Kaho Na Pyar Hai? Sigh. And boot cut jeans with platform heels went out with the Spice Girls.

Dhoom doom!!

Speaking of Mr Roshan....

Yes, we appreciate your Somalian refugee-type man-boobs.

Well Dhoom 2 had some other hiccups as well.... We know that the world gave you hell for your yukky-tacky ensemble a few Cannes ago, but that don't mean you go rip-off swimwear from Brit models. C'mon Ash, not you!!!

UK model Keely Hazell had featured this blue swimsuit in her official calendar.... And the Dhoom 2 costume designers didn't know.... for real!!! And really Aishwarya, layering a swimsuit with strips of white lycra cloth isn't really layering at all. You just look like a wannabe liberated Indian woman trying to maintain her "modesty" by covering her southerly regions.... In short, a Behenji-Turned-Mod!!!! hahahahaha.

And Ash... we know that your now officially gonna be a Bachchan 'n' all that jazz, but honey there is such a thing as too much bronzer. Really. Over here the bronzer doesn't make your skin look honey-kissed/radiant/ glowing. You look more like a cross between a malnourished back-up dancer from Christina Aguilera's Dirrrty video, and a vamp from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdrome... sigh... and you were Miss World, honey. The irony of it all.

Bipasha, overall, I thought you looked more well put-together in the film than Ash, with the odd monstrous neck-piece here and there... Let's say you're better equipped to pull off the badgirl image. But those are some heavy thighs, missy. And a little flicker of orange panty is just not classy. Maybe it's time for John to get out there and crack the whip... literally and figuratively.

Uday Chopra decided to do a little mix-n-match. He told his costume designers, "I wanna be a Mariachi Singer... but I still don't wanna lose my biker image, so throw in a fake Harley belt, will ya? Keep it nice and romantic."

He looks like one of those singing-dancing waiters at Chi-Chi's... or a zillion other Tex-Mex restaurants. And he's from the Chopra stock, mind you. Sigh.

And, Mr.Uday Chopra, I know the industry hasn't been very kind to you, but that don't mean you gotta go and turn yourself into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!!!!! Hero in the half-shell, indeed.

Well, that's all the energy I got right now... the newsroom's givin me migraines.
Till next time, fare thee well.
Fug not and stay hot.
Muah.